my heart is soooooo sore – the pain of loss has unlocked desperate and unbearable feelings – words to describe it defy discovery, are on the tip of no one’s tongue --- as each day dawns, the tears are racing down my already tear stained face before I am even fully awake – they follow the tracks laid down from crying myself to sleep intermittently throughout the night --- the evidence of sorrow seems to have engraved a path from my swollen and burning chocolate eyes to the narrow of my chin – the chin that is usually part of a stoic mien; however, that very same chin quivers and trembles almost incessantly as i repeatedly lose my composure with no regard to time, place, or audience --- i am frightened and lonely and utterly devastated and i seriously entertain the notion of just not getting up – EVER!!! – on a daily basis --- this is the nightmare from which there will be no awakening because it happened while i was quite WIDE AWAKE! and will not allow any sleep or respite for me now --- i wander painfully, aimlessly and pointlessly through most days barely aware of what happens in “the world”, not really caring or interested because i am just so preoccupied with my own situation – selfish perspective, to be sure, but there it is! --- once in a while i catch sight of myself in a mirror and i am puzzled to know who this person is looking back at me – has she made the coffee that i sipped while i apathetically turned the pages of the newspaper? is she the one who fed the cat? – i am shocked to see her there, and i quiz her as to her next move and her plans for herself, how does she propose to get through this and what or who shall she be then? --- the questions are soul searching, incisive, and profound – by my measure not a waste of time – and yet i get no answers, and it’s then i realize that while i have been unconscious and oblivious to my life, somebody has put a robot in my moccasins --- she goes my way and does my thing, she makes the coffee and pays the bills, does the errands and picks up a few groceries, feeds the cat and watches jeopardy!, and all the while i crouch in the murky and menacing shadows of grief all alone, afraid of the whole world and everybody in it --- where is she when each new wave of the loneliness crashes over and around me like a renegade tsunami leaving me breathless and struggling to get myself upright again? is it that robots are incapable of comforting people? --- each happy memory reduces me to tears for the very fact that it will forever be just that! – only a MEMORY, a thing never to be experienced again in real time - and i can feel the pain of my heart breaking anew deep within me with each wonderful recollection along with its attendant realization that it is forever a memory – i don’t know where the REAL things that make up happiness are now --- i feel disconnected and unsettled, lethargic and buried fathoms deep in aloneness – so deep that no one can hear my cries for help, so far down that it is humanly impossible to dig me out --- i try and try to get on top of the situation, but i don’t seem to be able to conquer such a steep climb and i know no one can help – there are people to call; however, this loss was far and away less paramount in their lives and they have been able to move on and i can’t seem to catch up --- i feel like a nuisance and an imposition, they have their own life concerns, after all, and their words, as sincere as they are, are trite and cliché and ring hollow --- the tapestry of my life has been rent seemingly beyond repair, the pattern is not even recognizable so full of holes, and i feel as if it will take my lifetime to gather in all of those loose ends and reweave it to a whole and pleasing piece of work once more --- I think that there simply is no bandage big enough or strong enough for this sore
the ubiquitous “they” tell me I’m doing fine, and I’ll be okay after a “while”, but they don’t seem to be able to see that there is a ROBOT IN MY MOCCASINS!!!!!