16 May 2008

robot in my moccasins

robot in my moccasins

my heart is soooooo sore – the pain of loss has unlocked desperate and unbearable feelings – words to describe it defy discovery, are on the tip of no one’s tongue --- as each day dawns, the tears are racing down my already tear stained face before I am even fully awake – they follow the tracks laid down from crying myself to sleep intermittently throughout the night --- the evidence of sorrow seems to have engraved a path from my swollen and burning chocolate eyes to the narrow of my chin – the chin that is usually part of a stoic mien; however, that very same chin quivers and trembles almost incessantly as i repeatedly lose my composure with no regard to time, place, or audience --- i am frightened and lonely and utterly devastated and i seriously entertain the notion of just not getting up – EVER!!! – on a daily basis --- this is the nightmare from which there will be no awakening because it happened while i was quite WIDE AWAKE! and will not allow any sleep or respite for me now --- i wander painfully, aimlessly and pointlessly through most days barely aware of what happens in “the world”, not really caring or interested because i am just so preoccupied with my own situation – selfish perspective, to be sure, but there it is! --- once in a while i catch sight of myself in a mirror and i am puzzled to know who this person is looking back at me – has she made the coffee that i sipped while i apathetically turned the pages of the newspaper? is she the one who fed the cat? – i am shocked to see her there, and i quiz her as to her next move and her plans for herself, how does she propose to get through this and what or who shall she be then? --- the questions are soul searching, incisive, and profound – by my measure not a waste of time – and yet i get no answers, and it’s then i realize that while i have been unconscious and oblivious to my life, somebody has put a robot in my moccasins --- she goes my way and does my thing, she makes the coffee and pays the bills, does the errands and picks up a few groceries, feeds the cat and watches jeopardy!, and all the while i crouch in the murky and menacing shadows of grief all alone, afraid of the whole world and everybody in it --- where is she when each new wave of the loneliness crashes over and around me like a renegade tsunami leaving me breathless and struggling to get myself upright again? is it that robots are incapable of comforting people? --- each happy memory reduces me to tears for the very fact that it will forever be just that! – only a MEMORY, a thing never to be experienced again in real time - and i can feel the pain of my heart breaking anew deep within me with each wonderful recollection along with its attendant realization that it is forever a memory – i don’t know where the REAL things that make up happiness are now --- i feel disconnected and unsettled, lethargic and buried fathoms deep in aloneness – so deep that no one can hear my cries for help, so far down that it is humanly impossible to dig me out --- i try and try to get on top of the situation, but i don’t seem to be able to conquer such a steep climb and i know no one can help – there are people to call; however, this loss was far and away less paramount in their lives and they have been able to move on and i can’t seem to catch up --- i feel like a nuisance and an imposition, they have their own life concerns, after all, and their words, as sincere as they are, are trite and cliché and ring hollow --- the tapestry of my life has been rent seemingly beyond repair, the pattern is not even recognizable so full of holes, and i feel as if it will take my lifetime to gather in all of those loose ends and reweave it to a whole and pleasing piece of work once more --- I think that there simply is no bandage big enough or strong enough for this sore

the ubiquitous “they” tell me I’m doing fine, and I’ll be okay after a “while”, but they don’t seem to be able to see that there is a ROBOT IN MY MOCCASINS!!!!!


Granny Smith said...

This one left me shaken. I hope it is fiction, but, even if it is, it rings too true to life.

The image of "the robot in my moccasins" is just right. What is the origin of the picture at the top? Is it your work?

Lilibeth said...

Sometimes when the pain is too deep to bear, that's what gets one through, just picking up a broom and sweeping the floor, I call it. The tedium of work carries us through until we are no longer too numb to feel hope and help. Like Granny, I want to say that if this is not fiction, I hope healing begins soon for you. Right now despair looms larger than it really is.

Whatever, the picture really describes what feelings you have written about.

gautami tripathy said...

God, this jolted me out. Hope all is well soon!

ah, the anticipation

TD said...

We all need to become robots at some point and time in life. One thing a robot does well is compute. You are taking in images and data and trying to understand a world that is now different to you. Being a robot lets you move forward through an unbearable time while letting you dig through the endless reels of emotional slug. Be brave, be true for the answers lie within you just need the right disc. Im proud of you! TD

TD said...

I often said I'm so bad at making goals. I Just go though life and it always seems to work out for me. After reading this I don't feel so bad about living in the now always. I loved your bit on the dark and will remember it as I stumble along, great work! TD