25 May 2008

sunday scribblings #112 quitting



the lilacs slammed! into bloom this week when they finally got some encouragement from the sun, and they are standing tall and strong, dancing in perfect step to the lead from the wind – they’re not doing anything but what they’re meant to do, they’re just being lilacs --- my furry feline buddies are getting stoned on the fresh new catnip, chasing one another and whatever else they spot as a moving target – they are simply being felines in frolic and doing their own thing, just being cats --- there seem to be no pretentions in nature, and things seem to go along quite agreeably --- creatures are their authentic selves with seemingly little or no dire outcomes, and we accept them as they are ---


the most difficult thing for me to quit was being a plastic, phony, people pleasing personality --- taking off my mask and just putting myself out there as who and what i am has been a fear ridden process, and is somewhere between its infancy and toddler stages of evolution --- i never learned, in large part because i was never allowed, to use my own voice; there were always invisible, invincible and strictly enforced boundaries - i want to feel freedom and relief with it, but it always leads me to a place of self doubt and a fear of i don't know what, as though i am the back seat driver in my own life --- i am still pleasant, and when i am able, i still make a genuine effort to please people, but no longer at my own expense --- i hear the old tapes playing the “I SHOULDS” and the “I OUGHTS” and they are creating cacophony and dissonance inside where i live - and sometimes it’s been oh sooooo difficult to tell them to “just shut the fuck up!!!” and let me think straight while i try and pick out the undertones of the softer and more lyrical harmonies of the “I PREFER” and the “I CHOOSE” refrains --- the majority of folk want and need the approval and appreciation of others – i fancy that i am no different – but it seems altogether quite strange to me that those who ostensibly “want only the best for you” become so nonplussed and flummoxed when you are reaching for what YOU KNOW!!! is the best for you - as the old saying goes, “when you change the steps, nobody knows how to do the dance anymore”.....


a retrospective provides a resonance of clarity that so many of my bend-over-backwards stabs at pleasing people have devolved into situations where my good will and heart felt intentions find me being used and treated badly – ultimately creating a painful experience for all involved as I extricate myself from one mess after another --- learning to respond rather than react and taking a chance on being my authentic self --- it’s been HUGE!!! for me


TO MINE OWN SELF BE TRUE!!!

5 comments:

alister said...

Er, well I wouldn’t call a cat on a catnip high its authentic self, but man oh man! do the lilacs roust me ‘round to what you’re saying! That whole description was the good stuff…
Identifying with you on the back seat business… In my early 20s I planned to write a book called “Life From the Back Seat” about always settling for second best. Never wrote it because the back seat was mighty comfy…
Really you’re telling my whole story as well as your own: no voice of my own, the heavy shoulds, pleasing over refusing, and I’ve got one of those dancers that only say they know more steps. I’m working all this out, too. Here’s to our success!
missalister

Beatriz' suitcase contents said...

I am glad that you quit the old pleasing others business, and that you are finding your own voice. Quitting liberates, isn't it true?

Devil Mood said...

This is a very good post and it reminded me of a time when I was going through a bad time and someone told me: look at the trees, see how they grow to be trees exactly right? they're happy being trees.
Why is it seemingly so hard to know who we are and then become it? :)

Tammie Lee said...

spring sounds lovely, it has been slow in coming here in the NW of Montana.
It is good to honor oneself, being authentic is a gift to the others as well, whether they know it or not! HA. Keep on keeping on!

TD said...

Hey kiddo! Ive only ever known the true you I know and Ive always had great respect for that person.Do we ever really know our true selves or just the truth in the moment? I am glad to see you feel more authentic and can start to see the wonderful bloom Ive enjoyed for years, bask in the beauty of your spring! TD