13 July 2008

sunday scribblings #119 my oldest friend

the ten o’clock news had barely signed off
time to call it a day
squiggling and squirming - screaming and slimy
i arrived to say , “WHOA – HEY!!!
i wasn’t impressed with the trip i’d just had
it was bumpy and cramped and it stunk
i arrived like a diva with a head full of hair
and I got slapped on the ass like a punk
what gives?

and so began my journey through life --- my mother wrote in my baby book, “we now have our hearts’ desire – a beautiful baby girl!” ---

my life travels have been bumpy and cramped just as my birth – my mother and I were at odds right from the git go, and it’s not a thing to be dwelt upon - it seems best just to say that we each lacked the ability to respond to the other’s emotional and psychological needs --- history repeating itself as per my mother’s experience at being parented ---

from the time of her death in 2001 i have deeply mourned, and for the most part it is a tremendously selfish grief – i am distressed and filled with sadness for the relationship i never had, for all the things i feel i missed out on --- no “special” confidences, shared joys, or common tears – i feel a whole part of me never came to life, and i am especially disconcerted that i never really felt “connected” to my mother in her lifetime ---

from the way people spoke i became increasingly desperate after she died to discover SOMETHING that would enlighten me, somehow soothe that little girl that so badly wanted a mommy --- i began to search doggedly and anxiously for a piece of something just for myself, something to hold close and to cherish – a piece of our relationship that i knew must be there, hidden in the tortuous ways of our years as mother and daughter ---

i travelled up and down so many unlit aveues that all wound up to be dead ends, each failure frustrating and devestating – but i was determined and i clung to my search like a dog with a bone, bent and bound that i would find what i was about ---

finally – FINALLY!!! – i turned up some very old medical records, and there it was! – a note in the records that my mother had forestalled having any more children in her second marriage because --- SHE WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO HER LITTLE GIRL IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HER!!! --- this little nugget of information left me feeling sucker punched, doubled me over with a different, but equally intense, grief and filled my heart and soul with a feeling of being so cherished and infused with my mother’s love - nurtured in a way that i had never known in all my life ---

and so ended my search and i had an epiphany of just how much my mother loved me despite our oh so strained relationship --- my oldest and best friend??? --- MY MOTHER!!!


Apu said...

Very Touching... Made me call my mom, to have a conversation, for no reason.. I can empathise with both the strain and pain.. Many a night, I have stayed up wondering wht I wud do if I my parents left me all alone..

God Bless You :-)

Michelle said...

oh - I loved this! I could appreciate it on both sides; daughter and mother. My mother and I were never close growing up. I grated on her nerves, we never understood each other. Today we've learned to 'appreciate' each other, but not with the closeness of a mommy.
On the flip-side, my daughter and I have what I think is a great relationship. She wrote about me on her blog (http://eageremma.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-hero.html).
It made my heart swell to read the words she wrote about me. I wish I could have experienced the same closeness with my mother, but I'll take the opportunity to cultivate it with my daughter!
Thanks for your post, it made me think. I especially liked your intro!!! Made me crack up!

Lucy said...

so so moving! Im so happy you were able to know her true heart. thanks for this touching story. :)

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Wow. What a story, Danni! Isn't it amazing how it takes one honest comment to change the way an entire situation is viewed?

That's incredible. I hope if you're ever a mom, you'll break the pattern that's been set for you.

Tammy said...

(((Danni))) This brought tears to my eye's. I could have written this and felt these feelings. We were loved and now their gone. I'm glad we have peace. HUGS

forgetfulone said...

Very well written. Even if you didn't always see eye to eye, you know how loved you were.

rebecca said...

you are not alone. many of us do not have that perfect mother/daughter relationship we so wished we had. my mother was a very loving mother but i came late in life (my mom was 42 and my dad 53 when they had me). and there was a 15 year difference between me and my sibs. my mom was always closest to my oldest sis, and me, being the youngest, was always jealous because i wanted that kind of relationship with my mother. but it wasn't until my mother was long gone and i was in my 40s that i realized that they had a whole other history together that i never was a part of and so their connection was obviously very different. not less loving, just different.... but i didn't get that until much later in life.

i'm glad that you finally found your peace. we all find it eventually. lovely post.


What a beautiful post. Our relationships with our mothers are so tough, so difficult. But what a gift that you found that note.

Tammie Lee said...

What a wonderful find, in the end, a note that held the sought after love.

Linda said...

I have a lump in my throat! This reads like a novel and is as well-written!

alister said...

Way cool story. Mine went the other way. My mom and I were ultra-close during my growing up years, and now we still play nicely together, but that closeness I remember is gone. And it’s my issue. After high school I moved down south and just allowed my self to withdraw. But now that I’m living back up north, I’m trying to work on myself that way. This story is a good wake-up call to those whose mothers are still around, to do any patch-work while there’s still time :-)

linda may said...

wow, this talks to me too. My mum and I are close but she annoys me so...much. But I know we are alike too. She does love me though, but never like she does my sister who is her big achiever and always bragged about.

Robin said...

This is such a touching piece. I'm so very glad you found that evidence of your mother's love that you were unable to find while she lived.

Jan said...

this story is so beautifully written...the situation is not uncommon, yet we feel so alone--as if no one else experiences something like what we are going through. Isn't it wonderful to know that you are not alone in that, and how so many others, based on the comments here, went through the same thing? It sounds so good to hear you say you've found peace about your mothers love for you. As a mother, and a daughter, I know that the 'mother/daughter' situation is a really sensitive area in women's lives. I have finally found peace with my mom too, and while she is still alive, I am hoping we can share some more non-judgemental time with each other and really appreciate the love that we both have for each other...even when we can't always show it.

b said...

...and that, my dear, is why we write things down. Our children may not see what is but only what might have been. We learn lessons from your experience...distant does not mean unloving.

As for my own mother, dead at 88, some six years ago, I must have driven her crazy. But I cannot change that. She loved me until the end. I am sure of that.