27 February 2009

sunday scribblings --- #152 -- lost

give me a break

UH-OH!!! - LOST? WHO? ME??? – bet your sweet bippy i am --- this prompt did it to me BANG SALLY!!! with so many possible directions in which to go ---

my consciousness is going six ways for sunday, taking off on so many tangents that i feel incapable of containing it or even getting a slim grip on it --- i flounder attempting to capture the words of it as it runs amok, going at break neck speed with all the many and varied possibilities ---

reading a book – doing the laundry – driving to the grocery store – feeding the cats – you name it, and i’ve misplaced myself in too many ways and so many places that it is scary to dwell too long upon it ---

maybe it’s one of the pieces of my grief puzzle at this particular point in time – but until a year ago when doug died i had no such excuse and it happened regularly none the less ---

professionals would have me subscribe to the theory that i am not being mindful, and i have to give fair room to that idea --- but i have to wonder when i’m off in my head so much with all this stuff running wild if i’m not just a maniacal genius in disguise --- like what if i was really supposed to be einstein and he got here before me and beat me to it? - what about that, sports fans???

or maybe i got lost on my way to writing the strauss waltzes – like maybe the blue danube ought to have been my accomplishment – so many delicious things i may have done if only i’d been here first – but in truth and in fact, i wasn’t, was i? – more’s the pity ---

now that i am here, i’m discovering that i feel lost regularly on my journey – i seem to lack a proper compass for my sojourn in this mixed up earth place --- i have a moral compass, but is that all there is??? – like what the hell is my purpose here? – have I been dropped off by mistake in a place parallel to where i truly belong??? – sometimes I just hafta wonder!!!

i’d like to be the doer of something great and good but to this stage of the game i’ve not been cast in the role – does the producer need a bed mate, or what’s the story???

on the flip side, perhaps my standards are simply too high and i just need to give myself a break – maybe deeds done already have been great and good and my measuring stick is simply too big for me to handle - i can deal with that if i think about it a bit ---

i’ve heard it said that you can make it through a day without chocolate or an orgasm, but not without atleast one good rationalization --- maybe all i really need is a good rationalization and i’ll be just tickety-boo!!!

15 comments:

Tanya Gwen Minnick said...

aw, you make me smile so my friend!
I very much enjoyed the humour in this post....and the art is beautiful! xo T

Michelle said...

"you can make it through a day without chocolate or an orgasm, but not without at least one good rationalization"

REALLY?? :) In truth, I hadn't heard it said that way before, must be a Canadian saying! Just teasing ya!

I loved reading this, and contemplating my own 'lostness' wondering where I would be if I followed my own internal compass instead of doing what seems to be the proper thing, or the thing that pays the bills. I want to do and be so much more than this... but how do I get there?

XOXO - Michelle :)

anthonynorth said...

A great soul-searching post. Often the most difficult journey involves finding ourself.

Fledgling Poet said...

I loved your post...heartfelt words filled with self-effacing humor. You're not alone in your 'lostness', I promise you that!

Alisa said...

I can sooooo relate to this post. I've been there and it's not pretty. Loved the humor, and with a smile on my face, I'm now dreaming that maybe sometime soon I'll find my rationalization for today.

Tumblewords: said...

A recognizable state of affairs - mindfulness is a good thing, as far as it goes. Sorry, I can't make it through the day without chocolate. Well, maybe I could, but I don't.

americanising desi said...

i love humor and i loved your take on the prompt :)

i too wanna do and be so much more than this and yet the ? how do i???

take a peek into mine at
http://eternitycallsus.blogspot.com/2009/02/lost-without-losing.html

floreta said...

i like this post! your questions are great. living without chocalates and orgasms... that's tough!! i like the idea of having supposed to be a genius. :D

Giggles said...

Wonderful take on this prompt! Keep digging....I found an artist screaming to get out. It was banging on the window of my soul begging me to take notice. All along I thought I was just another eccentric! No so....I am discovering the artist with in....and I'm old like dirt! Like you, I can't help wonder if there is even more purpose to my time here!!

Hugs Giggles

And thanks for your thoughtful comment on my blog. My friend with read it for sure...you don't have an email address posted otherwise I'd have emailed you! You are so right about grief, of which I too have experience too much!!

Lilibeth said...

I love your music choices and I feel the panic in the daily struggle you describe...too many things flying through your mind. Peace. Don't worry about not composing because the greats have already written what you wanted to write. I think every one of them once felt that way. Just compose...let it fly out of your soul and sing.

alister said...

Purpose. Bad word. Let’s just say we’re here because we’re here and we’ll do what brings us the most joy and we’ll call it our “purpose” but only when purpose-minded people start talking about “purpose,” deal?
And what’s “lost?” I think it’s what I used to be when I was pretending I wasn’t. It must be what I was when I was winging it, or what I am now when I’m leaving winging it and moving toward admitting it. Forget that. I prefer your manical-genius-in-disguise theory.
And I’ll be so forward as to consider us both the doers of something great we just can’t remember. I can deal with that rationalization. Can you? ;-)

Miss A

b said...

I loved this post. I often wonder about things of this nature...but I can honestly never wondered if I should have been the one to discover the theory of relativity "but Einstein just got there first." I loved that thought! Thank you.

b

Redness said...

Pass the chocolate please ... great post ;)

Tammie Lee said...

You have painted a tale that I hear from friends regularly, it seems to be a sign of our times. Though perhaps each lost for their own reasons. Heartfelt indeed.

rebecca said...

very funny...loved the rationalization...my type of girl!