16 May 2009

sunday scribblings - #163 -- disconnected

i am a rock
zara was heading west with no particular destination in mind – her journey was not preordained with any sort of fixed itinerary, but rather just a free-wheeling sort of junket to wherever the spirit moved her --- even though the meaning of her name was “princess” from hebrew origin, she dressed like an itinerant, said sassy and provocative things to the truckers at the gas bars, and cracked her gum whenever she pleased – in reality she craved being this free spirited character that she was portraying, who had just hit the open road a few days ago with a full tank of gas and no obligations or expectations, no one to criticize or debase her, no one to trust but herself – a couple of times her spirit had gotten free enough to frighten her, and she’d had to - “whoa, hoss!” - rein herself in, but by and large it was all GOOD!!!

she loved the old “tunes from her childhood” as she was want to refer to them, and they streamed non stop from the radio, wrapping around her head and her heart like silk swaddling – her generation had gapped long ago and far away, and she was well aware that musically she lived in a time warp of sorts that easily dated her but she didn’t really give a damn --- into the mix of “oldies” came a song from simon and garfunkel – without being aware of it, zara immediately pulled herself up and sat taller and prouder, like an imperial monarch behind the wheel, and as she barreled down the highway she shrieked (never could sing!) along at the top of her lungs – this was HER! tune – she thumped her fist on the wheel keeping perfect time and bellered, “I AM A ROCK, I AM AN ISLAND!!!” --- gearing down for the last two lines she dramatically whispered, “AND A ROCK FEELS NO PAIN --- AND AN ISLAND NEVER CRIES!!!” – then as usual at this point in time she had come totally undone, flipped ass over tea kettle into a meltdown, and found herself wrenched with such ferocious sobbing that she was forced to pull off the road or drive blind --- some rock!!!

zara quickly lit a much needed smoke – the slower breathing pattern helped her overcome the great quaking gasps of her weeping and get herself down to simmer instead of full boil – after she’d sat there for a bit and had a couple of more smokes, zara finally got her act together and pulled cautiously back into the traffic feeling drained and driving more sedately --- the freeness of her spirit and the joy of that freedom seemed extinguished along with the final cigarette ---

the miles were clicking by and zara was whooshing around in her head like a psycho on ‘shrooms while she maneuvered the car as if on auto pilot --- she was sure some rock alright – she felt no pain, yeh-right! --- and the island that never cried – well that just purged itself back there on a strange and lonely roadside, didn’t it, sports fans???

how had she ever arrived at the bottom of the heap of her own life? - when had this all started and why? – was she such a rotten kid that she was unlikable and retreated into herself? – how come all the other kids would call one another out to play and leave her out? – why was she staring down the barrel of her second divorce – hadn’t she always tried to be the very best mate she could do? – how had her family left so many misunderstandings misunderstood? – how was it that she was misused and abused in her great effort to be a “part” of the world? – had she ever really been valued by anyone? – where had there been any help while she was a battered wife? - was she truly just a waste of skin? – she felt so alienated and disenfranchised and desperately alone – this free spirit and inner strength that people were privy to was just another mask, wasn’t it? – did or would anyone really unconditionally care for or about her ever? – would she always need to be a rock? – or an island? – forever??? – would she ever feel “connected” to anyone or anything? – she’d heard others talk about their warm snuggly life experiences and could barely restrain tears of sadness that she’d had none --- in a bid to get her attention, someone once alluded to the old streissand tune about people who need people being the luckiest people in the world (another tear jerker) --- well, she sure as hell needed atleast one good people, but she didn’t fancy herself lucky for that!!! ---

back where she had come from, there were quite a few people gathered at her home in an effort to find her, alarmed at her hasty departure and her unknown whereabouts – it was a sad irony about which she would never aware as she drove aimlessly into the never ending night, weeping at her overpowering feeling of disconnectedness ---



AD said...

wow that was a long but very deep read!

Happy SS


Marja said...

Loved reading this Sang this song out loud very often in the car as well but never thought about the words

anthonynorth said...

This sense of alienation can be terrible. An excellent and deep piece.

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Danni, this is fantastic! I love the way the narrative voice flows and meanders like the free spirit Zara wants to be. I like the way it brings us to not one but two destinations, and I like the way Zara's feelings are so defined. So very real.

Awesome job!

b said...

Isn't interesting that when people leave they do so to hurt people left behind but get NO satisfaction from it because they are not there to see it. I think it is a good argument for standing ones ground and staying until the end.


Tumblewords: said...

A strong sense of disconnect - and alienation - from the things that might have mattered. Nicely done!

bunnygirl said...

The disconnect Zara feels is painful and obvious, but one wonders at the disconnect on the other side, too. Where were those concerned people before she took such dramatic action?

I also wonder where she'll end up. Everywhere you go, there you are.

Jeeves said...

Nice one.

gautami tripathy said...

Profound post!

SS: tangled mess

Dee Martin said...

Danni I love this (and have ALWAYS been a Simon and Garfunkel fan) but I wonder if you told part of it as if you WERE her instead of always referring to She? I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing and feel free to stop by my place and smack me down :)

Tammy said...

This was a great read Danni. What a gift it is to bring the reader in so close. HUG

Tanya Gwen Minnick said...

once again, your story is full of twists and turns,and ups and downs.
I enjoyed this very much :)

MichaelO said...

I love the rise and fall in the span of a song! Maybe her song should have been "Manic Depression"? Really good portrayal of someone propping a facade, only to unravel in despair. Excellent take on the prompt.

Tammie Lee said...

Though a sad tale, I enjoyed reading it. There was a tone through out that supported the story so well.
There are so many songs that are great for pulling deep feelings to the surface. I have been known to at times, to play certain songs to get all those feelings out, works like magic.