31 January 2009

sunday scribblings --- #148 -- regrets

about MY HERO

he drew his last breath and closed those beautiful blue eyes for the final time at 5:30 in the morning on 02 february, 2008 --- my hero is gone!!! --- and i am helpless and suffering the most brutal and raw pain of all my years – in a dark place with reminiscences that must forever be just that – recollections of the greatest love of my life - things that can never be enjoyed in real time again, but must be enjoyed as happy and loving in the past tense - things that ring with only the sounds and colours which my recall can ascribe to them ---

i’ve entertained more that my fair share of regrets in my lifetime – i struggle and fight to be rid of them – nonetheless they raise their ugly little heads at the most inopportune times to haunt me and keep me ever mindful of all the poor choices i’ve made in my lifetime – the kinds of options that validated my mother ‘s words – “i told you so!”

today one regret that i am striving to overcome is that i have been unable , up to now, to be straightforward and honest regarding the greatest loss in my life and the impact that it has on me all day and all night, every day and every night --- i have written poems and prose, always trying to keep him alive to my fellow bloggers --- but day after tomorrow is the first anniversary of his death --- and to honor his memory, i need to make everybody understand that part of my huge effort to go on feeling connected to him has been to keep him “alive” in a hazy nebulous way – i feel i’ve been illusory in a way - so today i am here to say that even though in reality he is departed, he lives in me and will never be gone for as long as i put in my remaining years ---

he was kind and gentle and loving – he never even went to the corner store without kissing me atop the head - he made a point of going through the tv guide to find shows he knew i'd like, and mark them down so i didn't miss them --- he smiled all the time, even through his last few days – and he always thought of me before himself --- i did my best to reciprocate, he brought out the the most favourable characteristics that i had, and loving him so completely was just a joy – the years we spent together made up for all my poor choices and their consequences in my earlier years --- we were together for five years before we married - when we did marry in july 1981, i knew that i’d never have regrets again!!!

doug died here at home in our bed as i lay close and held him to me, struggling his struggle with him, as if that would somehow ease his passage – i knew in my wise mind it didn’t work that way, but my emotional mind was running the show in those final hours and it just felt like the last and only thing that i could help him to do --- our marriage was special and wonderful and magic, and it just somehow made me feel i was helping --- afterward, during the hours before i finally called the funeral home, i lay with my head tight to his – i could barely discern a boundary between the two – i had no perception of where mine ended and his head began – it was an oddly comforting sensation ---

all through the last months people tried to paint me as a heroine, but it just wasn’t that way!!! --- this man had loved and cherished me so much in his lifetime, that i just felt absolutely rich and blessed - as though i had been given a rare and very precious gift - to be able to nurse him at home and give back a small portion of the love and dignity that he had lavished on me in better times --- i know that he’d have done no less for me!!! --- that’s just the way we were – neither of us ever had to face anything without the other – we had no secrets or lies between us – our marriage was a wonderful friendship and we respected and loved one another unconditionally ---

for those of you who read “robot in my moccasins” i want to own up that every word was true, as was the experience in “channel 42” which happened to me this past may --

my special friend has done a mural on one of my walls – an outdoor scene that is stunning – and in front of it i have a statuary of an elderly couple on a park bench --- it’s representative of “me ‘n him” in later years --- so while parts of me know that he is gone to forever, other parts of me are fighting tooth and nail to keep him as alive as i possibly can because i don’t believe i can put in the remainder of my years without that connection to “MY HERO”

it’s been tremendously emotional for me to write this, i have meltdowns on a regular basis – most especially when trying to talk about doug --- however, as a special tribute to him on this terrible first anniversary i’ve endured, and if you’re reading, i thank you!!! --- his favourite hymn was “morning has broken” --- i have added it to my playlist if anyone would like to listen to it ---

i regret having mislead anyone over the past year ---

i regret most of all that i don’t have left unending years with MY HERO!!!


Michelle said...

OH DANNI - you made me cry!! How blessed are you to have experienced true love in it's sweetest, purest form!
You are so generous with all of us in blogger-ville - sharing something so private, so personal... and you did it all so beautifully.
I am sorry that your hero is not with you physically, but like you said, he's alive and well so long as you are!
Hugs and love,
Michelle :)

Michelle said...

p.s. BEAUTIFUL PICTURE - what a gorgeous couple!! :)

Tanya Gwen Minnick said...

I am proud of you kiddo- I know this took lots of courage for you to write, what a beautiful tribute to your hero. I am thankful for having met him myself as he was just as you say- kind, warm and caring. You are doing the best you can through this difficult time, and my friend- you are doing it just fine.

anthonynorth said...

A heartfelt and emotional post - and something else. A great tribute to him. And very, very courageous.

SweetTalkingGuy said...

Wonderful tribute to your 'Hero!' and what wonderful memories you have.

b said...

God bless...my hear aches for you. I only hope that writing has given you comfort as it has given us pleasure.


floreta said...

thank you for writing this and sharing! truly beautiful companionship. it's these stories that give hope that something like this is out there for everyone..

Rinkly Rimes said...

Morning has Broken is on my playlist; it will have new meaning since I read your blog. In a way I envy you, because you've known absolute one-ness wit someone.

Tumblewords: said...

A lovely tribute to your hero. My heart goes out to you and I know that you are a compassionate and courageous woman who will survive and flourish by sharing your thoughts and memories.

Elspeth said...

Thanks for sharing this so honestly and openly. It made me cry. How beautiful to have shared such Love. I hope you have a lovely day.

Awareness said...

Danni...may the light shine bright on you tomorrow...and may the song in your shared hearts play long and lovely. I am a firm believer that we carry with us the deep aliveness of our loved ones...that they continue to keep an eye out for us. They shine down as stars on our cold Canadian winter nights. Your beautiful love you and your husband shared is there to keep you warm. No need to ever ever regret sharing, caring, writing, spilling your feelings and thoughts....it's good, it's healthy.....it allows the people around you to learn and experience it with you. just my thoughts....

You may be interested in a beautiful book by author John O'Donahue...Anam Cara. The title means soul friend in Celtic. I loved the book and have passed on many copies to friends.

thank you for taking the time to leave me such a nice comment on my blog. I look forward to visiting here again.

cheers to you.....

Dana (our names are similar, eh? I'm an Ontario girl too but living in the Maritimes. :)

alister said...

Well danni, that is one of the saddest things ever. You had, and still do have, the greatest and the worst that Life can dish out on a person. And I’m going to leave this site teeter-tottering on the scales of which is worse: to have the greatest love and hurt in the worst way when they go; or to never love like that so you never hurt like that. I’m a big psychological chicken, so I’m hanging more heavily toward the latter, but deep down I know the truth.
In the meantime, thank you for this. You did what you had to do to nurse your own self through this, and I pray that you keep on doing what you gotta do.
It’s a small but big thing that you’ve got all us SS friends thinking of you and willing you more joy than sorrow : ) Keep hanging in there, dear friend,
Miss A

BJ Roan said...

You look as if you belonged together. The love is in your words. Thank you for sharing.

susan said...

You shared the love we all want. I think I have that now and reading your words, reminds me not to waste any of our time. Brave of you to be so open.

Beth said...

Thank you for visiting, Danni, and for writing so truly about your loved one, that special hero who shared so much of your life and who will always be with you in a way others may not understand but you know and treasure.

Tammy said...

(((Danni))) I had no clue as to the magnatude of your pain this last year. HUG What a cherished gift indeed to have had a love like that. He will always be with you and forever remain your hero.

God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Oh, gosh, Danni-
Tears are gushing down my face.
That is a lovely tribute to your love- actually, to the special love you both shared with each other.
I DO understand keeping his memory because he will ALWAYS be a part of you. That photo of you two, echos your loving writing.
It is, indeed, a difficult time to note the first anniversary of such. I bet you are a hero to him as well.
This must have taken much courage to write.


Lilibeth said...

I'm so sorry for your suffering. Nobody is going to be upset with you for "keeping him alive" in story and blog. It sounds like you have a great treasure in his love.

Your love and anguish reminded me of "A Grief Observed", a little book by CS Lewis, that he wrote during that terrible time after his wife died. I read it during a time of loss and it helped to see that someone else had understood too.